New Roseanne Show: How The Conners Can Write Off Roseanne In New Sitcom

Roseanne Barr is off of Roseanne after her racist, moronic comments. I’m sure you have heard what she tweeted by now – as well as her plethora of excuses and stupid comments since – so I don’t feel the need to go into that story any further. Bottom line: Roseanne isn’t worth writing about any more. She is done. She will become irrelevant; serving as nothing more than a footnote to a series that enjoyed much success.

Going forward, however, with ABC announcing it will produce a show involving the rest of the Conners, sans Roseanne, beginning this fall. Inspired by a TVLine article, I decided to come up with 10 ways that the new show could write off the former matriarch of the lovable Lanford clan:

10. During the pie-eating contest, it turns out that one of the ingredients did not sit well with her, and led to her death.

9. Dan finally had it with her mouth, and decided that it was time for a divorce. After following, she decided to drink herself into a coma, one that she has been deemed unlikely to ever return from by doctors.

8. While visiting her other son, her life was taken by a Kraken. Yup, a Kraken.

7. Finally having had enough of her crap, Leon – yes, Leon – returned to Lanford and took her life with her old apron from the restaurant. The same apron that Leon had held onto for years.

6. Unable to kick her pain-pill addiction, one day, Roseanne took too many pills and just never woke up.

5. Roseanne fell down the stairs, hitting her head on a black post after slipping on a Muslim book from her neighbors.

4. She simply had a massive heart attack. It wasn’t like she was a ever a beacon of health, right?

3. While visiting David, she had a car accident. Her tires spun out and left her in a ditch down the bottom of a hill. Problem is, she never told anyone she was going to visit David, and it turns out that no one bothered to look for her.

2. We don’t know. She just went missing. No storyline. No reason. Just move on from her character. Period.

1. Her motorized stairclimber malfunctioned, sent her flying through the roof and led to her demise. The Conners sue the manufacturer and become comfortable. After winning the sttlement, they wink at each other when asked what possibly could have gone wrong? Or why was Dan really in the garage tinkering with that machine so often?

 

About the author

Rob Kelley is a sports reporter for various newspapers in Florida, and is trying to break back into the sports writing game after a brief hiatus following the publishing of his first book, I'm Not a Quitter. He recently resigned as Editor-in-Chief and lead writer for The South Shore Magazine to pursue better opportunities. You can follow him on Twitter @RobKelley24.